


Desperate

by runningkin



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Boarding School, F/M, I'll add more tags as i go, M/M, Summer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-11-16 08:42:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18091121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/runningkin/pseuds/runningkin
Summary: Life for teenagers was a slow, slow race face-first into summer. When one have nothing going on in their life but school, summer is all one could ever want. This year, however, when it finally came, summer wrung around his neck and choked all the breath out of him, all the thoughts out of him, all the sense out of him, until all that was left was the thick heavy feeling of desperation.





	Desperate

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the wonderful song by Kurt Travis, Desperate, which fills me to the brim with love and makes me want to write and write and write.

It was officially summer.

        Before summer began, something had started settling within Remus, making a little home for itself under his sternum. He would have just ignored it, but it was beginning to grow more and more, and was taking way too much space in his lungs. His insides were beginning to shift and contort in unusual, uncomfortable ways, and today, the first day of summer, it ached more than it had ever before.

        That's not the way things like this were supposed to work, or at least not when you're 15. When you're 15, every single worry in the world goes away with school. Even Remus, who was skilled at staying afloat throughout the year, could admit that summer was the best part of every year. School's weight is the only thing that kids their age should feel, so now that it was summer, everything was supposed to be loose and relieved and free. So why did he feel like this? Why was it just getting worse? He laid on his back and felt it, letting it wash over him; it was dark and heavy and so unbearably uncomfortable that it felt almost tangible, like a little creature crawling under his skin and spreading panic and dread throughout him. His cheeks began to burn and his throat felt dry, and he tried to move and then felt the very real weight of the very real creature that was Sirius Black, and all of a sudden the feeling got worse.

        Obviously he had forgotten, because that's what alcohol does to you. They had been so stupid, _he_ had been so stupid, for drinking that night. It's just so hard to resist when your friends are the Marauders. As he tried to settle back where he had woken up, his head began pulsing, and Sirius shifted his weight so that his head fell a bit to the side, and Remus could feel the bony contours of Sirius's nose on his ribs. James had invited them to his house last night for drinks, and Remus had stupidly let himself be convinced to join, and he had no excuse. For a second, he felt hope that maybe, just maybe, it was the alcohol to blame for that feeling that was making his lungs go spread-eagle against his spine, but he knew deep down that it was not that. _Curse you for being so aware,_ he thought, _curse your amazing intellect_. He took the sharp pain at the base of his neck as his brain talking back. He fell still.

        The thing about this situation was that he did not want to think about it. That's just how Remus dealt with things like this. That's why he'd done nothing about the feeling, and maybe he was at fault for it having gotten worse like this. If you run away from all your problems, you'll have nothing to deal with. He knew there was flaws to this way of thinking, but not all things could be perfect, as much as he wanted them to be, and no one had to know. This situation, however, was unavoidable. So unavoidable that he couldn't have prepared himself for it, because he didn't know there would be a situation to avoid. If he thought about it like that, if he thought about it as A Situation, it would go away. Or maybe just a situation, all lowercase, but it was getting increasingly bigger and more dreadful the more he just laid there, and the more he realized that the more he just laid there, the more likely that Sirius would wake up and then there was be A SITUATION, and he could not deal with that, even if he really wanted to. His heart started beating fast and loud; he could hear it ringing in his ears.

        Sirius stirred once more, his fingers gripping into Remus's hip, and suddenly it dawned to him how very bad this was. How had his fingers gotten there, had it been there this whole time? Sweat was beginning to form on his lip and between his brows, and he was burning up. The sun was beginning to peak out, and the room became awash with the colors of the morning, flooding every corner in pinks and oranges. He could hear Sirius's breath faintly through the deafening sound of his heart. Everything felt hot, way too hot to be natural. Well, mostly everything. The weight of Sirius on him felt comforting. He felt somehow that it shouldn't.

        The thing that scared him the most about this was not that it was happening. He could admit, albeit in whispers to himself in his mind, as if someone could hear it, that the fact that Sirius was sleeping on him was not at all what he would consider a problem. The thing that scared him was the fact that he felt it was far from being a problem, and that this was comfortable and nice. The thing that scared him most was that, as he heard Sirius's breath, and felt the rise and fall of his sides against him, he felt a twinge of sadness knowing that he would have to leave and maybe even forget this ever happen. Not maybe... Remus knew that he had to get up before Sirius woke up, because if Sirius woke up, everything would change. Sirius made everything bigger than it was.

        He hesitated. Sirius curled up around Remus and pushed his face against Remus's sides, and Remus's heart leaped into his throat and against his sore little brain and he could feel the creature crawling around, eagerly now, as if egged on to bother him even more. He hesitated because everything about this situation was so, so perfect except the fact that everything was wrong. He wiggled up and out, his jaw tight from the pain in his forehead.

        The thing that scared him the most about this was that it seemed that, as soon as he got up, nothing ever felt as right as it had at that moment.


End file.
